There are many Christmas films that people make an annual point of re-watching. Many of these are good films; enjoyable and emotionally touching or generally fun. Christmas Story, the original animated Grinch film, the original Miracle on 34th Street (not the bastardized/colorized version), Bells of St. Marys, Muppet Christmas Carol, Scrooged, It's a Wonderful Life, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation etc etc etc. Fine. I enjoy all of these. I do, however, also enjoy a yearly docket of slightly off kilter Christmas films that range from the horror genre' to the screwy-beyond-all-reason genre'. This brings me immeasurable joy year after year as I revel in being in a minority of people that need a little balance with all this holiday cheer floating around. Call it an antidote to commercialism madness, call it a bit of a dark humor streak, call it what you want. I couldn't call it a Christmas season with including most of these wonderful films:
Die Hard (1988)
Starring: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Bonnie Bedelia
Format viewed: VHS - own collection
Directed by: John McTiernan
There are few things that say 'Christmas spirit' like Bruce Willis as New York cop John McClane thwarting a group of economic terrorist types headed by none other that Snape himself, Mr. Alan Rickman. M, during Christmas. McClane is out in Los Angeles to meet up with and try to reconcile with his estranged wife (played by Bonnie Bedelia) whose company is, that same evening, beset upon by a group trying to steal a mess ton of bank bearer bonds and are okay with killing a bunch of people in the process. He'll have none of that and systematically tears the crooks apart with plenty of humor and smarts and just all around bad-assed-ness. 'Ho Ho Ho' takes on a new meaning and Willis cements himself as the best rough-edged good guy around is this classic of modern action greatness.
Gremlins (1984)
Starring: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, Hoyt Axton, Corey Feldman
Format viewed: VHS - own collection
Directed by: Joe Dante
Oh I so dearly love this movie. There is something just timeless about taking the joy of small town American Christmas and mixing in an army of foul tempered, mean spirited little monsters...not unlike the line to see Santa at the mall. The film centers around Billy (Zach Galligan) whose traveling salesman/inventor father (played beautifully by Hoyt Axton) on the tail end of another trip stumbles upon a curio shop run by an old Chinese man and discovers a small creature called a mogwai who he wants to buy for Billy as a present. He's only able to get the creature after the shop owners grandson sneaks him out but lets him go only after explaining the three rules: don't get him wet, don't feed after midnight and don't expose to sunlight. As we all know (or should, for petessake) this doesn't go as planned and after an accident, Gizmo (what he is named) does get wet, spawns a bunch of new, more mean ones like him and then it all goes to hell. The new ones eat after midnight and become large, scary green scaly monsters hell bent on all manner of destruction in their small town of Kingston Falls. The widespread havoc ranges from funny (movie theatre scene) to downright scary (school lab, old lady's house) and Billy and company have all they can handle to stop them.
One of the primary reasons I love this movie is the sharp critique against the conventions of rampant materialism that cloud the simpler, better meanings of the holiday. It doesn't bang you over the head but it is there. The other reason is, in the face of this, they marketed the hell out of the movie at the time with toys and posters and tons of other stuff, but really only focused the attention on Gizmo the cute, fuzzy thing and it being an adventure type film. With Joe Dante directing (The Howling, Piranha), you know that isn't going to be all there is and so scores of suburban mothers had to drag their children out of theatres once things went full board into dark comedy/horror territory. This makes me happy. I love the idea that they walked voluntarily into this kind of cinematic trap but missed the point of why it happened in the first place. Love it love it.
Black Christmas (1974)
Starring: Margot Kidder, Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, John Saxon
Format viewed:
Screening - Alamo Drafthouse (Quentin Tarantino's 35mm print!!!!)
VHS - own collection
Directed by: Bob Clark
Okay okay okay, I know, this one carries a lot of noise when it comes to controversy. However, if I was to talk about said controversy surrounding the story, I'd give away one of the prime reasons this film is one of the better horror movies ever (and very influential). All I will say is that, as Americans, we crave closed ended stories and this doesn't give you that. That is about all I can do, ethically. Another thing, this one is directed by Bob Clark who also directed the much beloved A Christmas Story. Yes, that one - Ralphie and the bunny outfit and the bee bee gun and the whole bit. Same guy. Amazing, huh?
This film centers around a sorority house during Christmas that is beset upon by a killer we don't see. He sneaks into the house via the trellis and hides out in the attic. Part of this is done in first person perspective and sets the stage for the creepyness that follows. That perspective was pretty much unheard of in scary films and was much much copied after the fact. Bob Clark was an innovator, that simple. Okay, so our killer terrorizes the inhabitants of the sorority house by making crank phone calls and rambling on in increasingly strange ways. He works his way through the residents one by one, picking them off when alone and venerable, starting with the stick-in-the-mud character. Clark references back to this first death often and in very unsettling ways. This keeps the tension very high through the whole thing because you never really know when he'll strike and you also don't know who it is (as we don't see him). The cast is led by a brilliant, boozy performance by Margot Kidder as Barb and Olivia Hussey as Jess as the 'final girl' before such a thing existed. The outcry against the imagery (cutting between a group of carolers singing and a character being killed elsewhere at the same time, for one example) and overall tone of the film defiling Christmas was amusing to me. The Christmas part of things is just one small part of the story as a whole. I wish I didn't care and would just lay out all the reasons why this movie is incredible and give it all away but that would just be mean. I guess you could go ruin it for yourself researching online but I don't think that is a good idea. If you have the stomach for it (and others on this list), this is a great, profoundly screwed up way to spend a holiday evening.
((By the way, the very bloody remake, done in 2006, wasn't bad per se, it just wasn't at atmospherically creepy as the original. Subtle scare and building tension are better than full board grossness sometimes. Plus it is weird to think of the actress that played Buffy's little sister as all grown up in any and all meanings of the phrase...))
Ice Harvest (2005)
Starring: John Cusack, Billy Bob Thornton, Connie Nielsen, Oliver Platt, Randy Quaid
Format viewed: DVD - own collection
Directed by: Harold Ramis
When someone asks me what Christmas movies are my favorites, I almost always start with this one. Criminally, this is a film not many people saw when it came out and not many people have seen since. This might have to do with the jet-black sense of humor it displays, or maybe the subject matter itself, but for whatever reason it bums me out that this isn't more universally celebrated.
Anyway, it is a story about two guys (Cusack and Thornton) who hatch a plan to steal two million dollars from a strip club/mob guy (played by Randy Quaid) and get out of Wichita Falls on Christmas Eve. This plan almost immediately goes to hell as they are set upon by an ice storm that makes driving near impossible, mob enforcer guys who are onto them and in town to track them down, a potentially scheming strip club owner Renata (Nielsen), bumbling cops, drunken friends and sour ex-wives, current wives, bitter family members and all manner of other issues. The twists and turns of this comic/noir gem would take forever to lay out so I'll just say that if you enjoy a good crime noir thriller and can take your comedy in the most screwed up of circumstances, then you'll make Ice Harvest a yearly viewing as I do. I really love this one.
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
Starring: Tommi Korpela, Per Christian Ellefsen, Jorma Tommila, Peeter Jakobi
Format viewed: DVD - own collection
Directed by: Jalmari Helander
This Finnish film immediately became part of my yearly holiday movie rotation the first time I saw it two years ago at Alamo Drafthouse. It is a little bit Goonies, a little bit Monster Squad and is just wonderful up one side and down the other. The story surrounds a small ranching town near a large mining operation up on a huge mountain. Some strange goings on bring a little boy face to face with the realization that that mining operation might not be looking for precious metals but instead researching a burial site for an ancient evil. What this evil might be is slowly revealed and as is expected, the child is the one leading the clueless adults in a fight for their lives. I feel like it is my duty to tell as little as possible about this Santa origin story, but instead say that this is a wholly fun, funny and enjoyable adventure story that really has no equal. The last 10 minutes or so will absolutely change the way you see Santas in your day to day life around the holidays (not in a bad way at all) and I'm forever grateful to the filmmakers for giving me that gift. Love it love it love it.
Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)
Starring: Robert Brian Wilson, Lilyan Chauvin, Linnea Quigley, Gilmer McCormick
Format viewed: rent DVD - Vulcan
Directed by: Charles Sellier
Much like Black Christmas, Silent Night Deadly Night was hounded by a ton of controversy and outcry's of anger upon its release and for years after the fact. The film's primary crime was by taking the image of Santa Claus and turning it evil by making him a killer. Well, there are a few problems with this. For one, it isn't just a guy dressed as Santa killing people for no reason, there is a lot in the story that leads up to that. For another, he doesn't kill good people for the most part, there is a good and naughty aspect to it that gives his killing spree a bit of morality (yes, a bit of a stretch but it is there). I dunno, I could go on about this but sufficed to say I bristle a little at the moral superiority types who dismiss it from imagery alone. Sigh.
The story centers around a guy who, as a child, sees his parents killed by a murder type guy dressed as Santa. Growing up in an orphanage run by a pretty sadistic nun, the killer develops a screwed up coping mechanism that pushes down his fears and hurt over his parents' death and never allows him to heal. As an adult he is pushed and pushed to the breaking point and once he snaps, he goes full board vengeance to exact revenge against those who've been naughty, ultimately setting sights on the mother superior character back at the orphanage. This was another area the morality police freaked out about as the finale of the movie takes place there with children present etc. Again, if you wanted to avoid all manner of imagery that could potentially offend someone in this instance, you'd have a bunch of people wearing beige robes in a white room playing checkers and no damned story. While the story itself and the blood and horror stuff isn't everyone's cup of tea, I still admire it for the abject meanness in which it operates and the less than cut and dry morality question it asks.
((By the way, the remake which came out this year, just called Silent Night, is pretty enjoyable. Of course, enjoyable is really in the eye of the beholder. It is very bloody and violent and the tie in to the killer's orgin isn't as good as the original, but, if you need a palette cleansing after a long day of fake Christmas cheer brought to you by Macys or Coke or Honda, go find it. It'll clean you right out. Malcom McDowell as the sheriff and Courtney Palm as a victim are highlights))
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Starring: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Bill McCutcheon, Pia Zadora, Charles Renn
Format viewed: rent DVD - Vulcan
Directed by: Nicholas Webster
So this definitely falls into the category of nutty beyond all reason. The plot, as it were, surrounds a martian family whose children have become overly interested in Santa Claus on Earth via TV programs and the like and decide that the best way to bring the spirit of the holiday to their planet is by kidnapping him. I think. I continue, once they gather the Santa and bring him there, there are some issues with Santa building toys and/or building the wrong ones because of sabotage to the toy machines. One of the martians sympathizes with Santa and starts to act like him....okay, this could go on for awhile, the martians basically adopt the spirit of Christmas and have one of their own become Santa and send the real one and the two earth kids back at the end.
This crazy-ass movie is fun because, primarily, it is so wacka-noodle crazy. It has been sent up on Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and is widely regarded as being just terrible, Maybe it is. However, some of the most lousy films can also be the most enjoyable and in the case of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, it certainly is worth having entirely too much fun with yearly.
Jack Frost (1996)
Starring: Christopher Allport, Stephen Mendell, Rob LaBelle, Marsha Clark, Shannon Elizabeth
Format viewed: rent DVD - Vulcan
Directed by: Michael Cooney
- He's chillin' and killin' -
I've tried in the past to watch this one along with 'Thankskilling' and 'Gingerbread Man' as being examples of holiday-themed mutant creature features of the most campy and ridiculous kind. However, until living in Austin, having all these available at any one time from one place has been impossible. No longer, thank you Vulcan video, you're the best. So anyway, this Jack Frost (not to be confused with the Michael Keaton kids one) is just so beyond the pale in terms of being absurd and terrible that it becomes a blast to watch and could be the inspiration for many a drinking game shared with people of a similar bent. So so so, the movie itself, the plot centers around a serial killer, Jack Frost (I know, how convenient, same name as the movie title!) who is being transported to be executed and whose truck crashes into a tanker with genetic material. They presume he's dead as his body disappears but instead, he becomes 'reborn' as a snowman and goes to exact revenge on the sheriff who arrested him and anyone else in the immediate area. The snowman himself looks like a demented Burl Ives inspired type jumpsuit and never like an actual snowman, the kills themselves are over the top and goofy and the humor and one liners are just absurd. But that is really part of the fun of it actually, the pun-addled lines are groaners to be sure, but really add to the overall demented charm of it. They tried for this in the Bill Goldberg killer Santa film Santa's Slay, but never really hit the nail on the head, as it were. So bottom line, if you're looking for Troma-esque effects, goofy lines and overall ridiculousness, here is your movie.
Santa vs Satan or Santa Claus (1959)
Starring: Jose Elias Moreno, Armando Arriola, Cesareo Quezadas
Format viewed: rent DVD - Vulcan
Directed by: Rene Cardona (original Spanish), Gordon Murray/Ken Smith (English dubbed)
I've seen this crazy bit of holiday cheer in three different formats, in the original Spanish language at screening at Alamo Drafthouse, the dubbed English version on DVD and lampooned on Mystery Science Theatre 3000. I say this because no matter which version it is, it retains its wacky charm and universal themes of the excitement of Christmas for children and the less than wholesome forces that try to co-opt said excitement. All I'll really say about the plot is that it centers around Santa being attacked by a demon sent by the devil to kill Santa and turn the children of the world evil by turning against Santa. That is basically it in a nutshell. Santa lives in outer space and visits earth for Christmas and gets help from Merlin the wizard and, ah well, it is basically pointless to go through the whole of the story here - rest assured, if you're throwing a holiday party and want something on in the background chock full of nutty images and laugh inducing scenes (even without volume) then stream this on Netflix and have some fun. Ultimately, this is one of the better examples of fun by way of utterly insane storytelling and, amazingly, a larger theme about the true meaning of Christmas. I think.
Christmas Evil (or You Better Watch Out) (1980)
Starring: Jeffrey DeMunn, Brandon Maggart, Dianne Hull
Format viewed: rent DVD - Vulcan
Directed by: Lewis Jackson
I've saved this one for last because it is a special level of demented that, not unlike Silent Night Deadly Night or Black Christmas, is unsettling to say the least. Christmas Evil follows the story of Harry Stadling who, after a traumatic event involving Santa as a child, slowly develops a crazed devotion to the holiday. He works as an adult at a toy factory in a thankless position in middle management after being promoted from the production line. In his spare time, he dresses in Santa's suit in his Christmas saturated apartment and spies on neighborhood children to see who has been naughty or nice. As the film progresses, Harry's physique is frayed little by little from lying co-workers to misbehaving 'friends' and, in the final act that pushes him over the edge, a lying boss who claims to want to donate toys to children as the excuse to increase production but instead only cares about his bottom line. Once this happens, Harry snaps and takes the toys he's been building in his basement and starts delivering them to children and at the same time exacting punishment against those adults who've been bad. Harry's brother Phil (played by The Walking Dead's Jeffrey McMunn) slowly starts to put together what is going on and tries to stop him.
This film has a lot to say about what we claim we believe and what we say we want to do and what it is we actually do. Particularly, in the area of dealing with mental health. It never gets all preachy or anything, but really deconstructs the levels to which a broken mind can be ignored and the after effects. It couples this idea with the aggressive imagery of Christmas and of Santa and how these ideals can come up empty when you really need them most. Over many viewings of this film, I've found a certain charm to Harry that is, well, not nice to admit. I mean, he is a crazed killer after all. But on a basic level, Harry represents a simplification of what Christmas should actually be about, about truly treating people kindly and caring for those closest to you. In this, there is a universal theme that could (or should) be applied to more entertainment around the holidays and less on product placement and large ribbons on cars and all that stuff.
So there you have it, a collection of some seriously off-kilter Christmas movies (many of which you can stream on Netflix) that might add a little cheer to holiday proceedings. At least I hope so.
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